May 4, 2012

Truth Friday?

It doesn't have that nice ring to it.  But I need to purge my thoughts onto you.  I find myself in a storm of self-doubt.  Has that ever happened to you?  Some days I think I can but lately I just feel like I can't.  Last night I lay in bed wondering if I should just give up.  I know you are totally wondering what I'm talking about.  Let me start at the beginning.

People seem to think that because you do one thing well, it means you can do everything well.  And, I DO love to try to accomplish new things.  But I'm really bad at failing.  Some people out there get back up and keep trying.  Me?  Well, I give up.  I like the comfort of knowing that whatever it is I choose to do, I do it well.  Hubby made me see that last night.  As I lay there with tears in my eyes feeling completely overwhelmed by a task I was asked to complete.  He said I had to challenge myself and see that I CAN do it.  The problem is ME.  I keep comparing myself to all the amazing artists that exist out there.  I even torture myself by having their work open and in my face as I fail to capture their artistry in mine.  SO frustrating.  Why do I do this to myself?

I have 11 more days to complete my project and I feel like I am suffocating as each minute passes.  I have 9 cards to make and ship out AND I have to prepare to teach a class, after I come up with whatever it is I will be teaching how to make.  I went from saying no to everything to saying yes to everything and now I am completely overwhelmed and I kinda feel like throwing a 2-year-old tantrum.

I was sitting and thinking back at a time that I did challenge myself and surprised myself.  It's actually one of my greatest memories so far.  We were in Puerto Rico celebrating our 10-year anniversary and we took a catamaran ride from the main island to one of the smaller islands.  First off, I got on a boat!  A pretty small boat, if I do say so myself.  See, I don't swim and I am TERRIFIED of deep water.  The boat ride was about 45 minutes until it stopped so everyone could snorkel.  HA!  Snorkel?  Well, I can't do that.  BUT, I did try.  I put on the floaty and the flippers and the mask and attempted to put my face in the water.  Unfortunately the fear swelled up in me and I decided to get back on the boat.  But everyone was surprised that  I had tried, most especially me.



The torture, er, adventure, wasn't over.  Little did I know that for our final destination the boat would leave us pretty far away from the island and we'd have to swim there.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  I figured I'd just stay on the boat and wait until everyone came back...2 hours later!  But then something clicked in me and I decided to just go for it.  My hubby wouldn't let me drown and I would probably never get to have this memory again, so I did it!  I put the floaty thing on and (with a lot of help from my friends) I made it to shore.  Oh, and what an amazing experience it was to be on that tiny island where the fish come kiss your feet at the shore and the rocks form warm delicious pools to bathe in.  Where the colors are so bright you just wish your brain had film so you could record every second of what you are seeing and replay it over and over again.
Right now, though, I am kind of in that same place of debating if I should stay on the boat or go to the island.  I remember when I got into the water I was trembling so hard that I was about to cry.  But somehow I made it.  I wish I could find that strength right now somewhere inside of me.  Work through the doubt and jump into the creative depths of paper.  Sigh...I'm hoping that feeling will come to me.

On a paper-related note, I shipped the 100 camera cards out!  WOOT WOOT!  What a relief to have completed that task.  I did a little decoupaging to the box I got to store the cards in.  I decided I'd do the logo that was printed inside the cards.  I hope she loved it!


Thanks for sitting through my tortured-soul post and I really hope you have a wonderful weekend!
STAY SWEET!

13 comments:

  1. You're not alone, Sandy - we ALL feel that way some time or another. I find it helps if you just allow yourself to experience the feelings but not to own them. Just observe them passively, knowing they will pass. Then you can get back to what you need to do and prepare to be amazed by what you can achieve. It works for me!
    Hugs
    Philippa

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    1. And you, dear Philippa, are amazing! Thanks for your kind words!

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  2. Wow, Sandy, I felt like you were writing about me! I am very much like you when it comes to success and failure. I very rarely try something unless I know I'll do it right on the first go. I think that's why each of my cards takes soooo long to make. I have the ideas but am afraid to try and get them on paper in case I screw it up. Not like I couldn't just start again and redo it but it always takes me ages to convince myself that that is the case. I fight this part of my personality all the time and I know I've missed out on a lot of experiences because of it. I try to remember that feeling of missing out when I hesitate about something in hopes that it will push me forward.

    Big congrats on getting your fabulous camera cards completed and best wishes with completing your upcoming tasks. You can do it.

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    1. Thanks, Jen. It really helps to know I'm not alone. Being a perfectionist isn't all it's cracked up to be. ;/

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  3. Oh my word - it's not just me who gets like this then :o) I am not very creative (although I do try... but most things I attempt end up screwed up on the floor before I strop off like a small child to my bed), and some days things just seems overwhelming, but it seems that is the way of people who want to do things perfectly. I am not a perfectionist in all areas of my life (if I tried that malarky I would be royally screwed), but when it comes to my work I hate it when things don't go right and get so frustrated with myself.

    My advice.

    Go to the island... the journey may be tough, but there will be highlights along the way, like beautiful fish, and the destination will be fabulous :o)

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    1. That island really was beautiful! Thanks for your kindness. ;)

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  4. LOL! Sandy, you don't know how I look forward to your posts. You are so funny and in a way we are very much alike. My deepest fears have deprived me from learning to ride a bike and learning to swim. I've tried even when I got older and I gave up. Not a great feeling. I am afraid of trying new things and going to new places because of those fears but I am glad that you actually tried. I myself have gone through those thoughts of not being worthy until eventually I snap out of it but not for long. I love to paint and other stuff but these feelings bring me down. You can do it and your husband and kids are a great support, especially your Creator. Keep your chin up mama. I pray that you'll feel better and that you get through this.

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    1. XOXO Cindy. I know you are like me in that sense. I don't know how to bike ride either. SO embarrassing! It feels good to know I make you laugh! ;)

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  5. Hey Sandy, I'm one of those silent admirers of your wonderful blog and your talent - nay rockin' unique original style - that always propels me into a deep pool of envy! So don't ever have an ounce of doubt about THAT part.
    I've been in your shoes so often that I've now found a pattern in the neuroses: I say yes-yes-yes to every task; I freak out; I whip self to crisis-point; I do things in my SHIT style as hubby calls it (SomeHow In Time); I feel pretty damn good about myself at the end of it all. Repeat ad nauseum.
    I stopped thinking of this as a dysfuntional thing when I realised that this is how I am. Hunger for the world and perpetual rebellion against time --- makes life so much more exciting :)

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Swati. Don't be a silent admirer, I get so much from the people who leave me comments and thoughts. I do agree, life is more exciting with things to do. But I don't want to die of a stress-related heart attack either! LOL!

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  6. Hi Sandy, I left a voice message but just wanted to remind you that I'd love to help out with whatever you need. Especially when you're getting ready to practice teaching your class - I'd love to be a guinea pig student!

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  7. Congratulations on overcoming your fears. Your quilling is delightful

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  8. Love the little gem for a flash. Very clever! Kudos on your swim. I can swim, but I don't know if could swim THAT far!

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a sweet comment! It means a lot to me. Even if I don't get around to responding, be sure that I have read and appreciate your input.

XOXO
-Sandy