May 4, 2012

Truth Friday?

It doesn't have that nice ring to it.  But I need to purge my thoughts onto you.  I find myself in a storm of self-doubt.  Has that ever happened to you?  Some days I think I can but lately I just feel like I can't.  Last night I lay in bed wondering if I should just give up.  I know you are totally wondering what I'm talking about.  Let me start at the beginning.

People seem to think that because you do one thing well, it means you can do everything well.  And, I DO love to try to accomplish new things.  But I'm really bad at failing.  Some people out there get back up and keep trying.  Me?  Well, I give up.  I like the comfort of knowing that whatever it is I choose to do, I do it well.  Hubby made me see that last night.  As I lay there with tears in my eyes feeling completely overwhelmed by a task I was asked to complete.  He said I had to challenge myself and see that I CAN do it.  The problem is ME.  I keep comparing myself to all the amazing artists that exist out there.  I even torture myself by having their work open and in my face as I fail to capture their artistry in mine.  SO frustrating.  Why do I do this to myself?

I have 11 more days to complete my project and I feel like I am suffocating as each minute passes.  I have 9 cards to make and ship out AND I have to prepare to teach a class, after I come up with whatever it is I will be teaching how to make.  I went from saying no to everything to saying yes to everything and now I am completely overwhelmed and I kinda feel like throwing a 2-year-old tantrum.

I was sitting and thinking back at a time that I did challenge myself and surprised myself.  It's actually one of my greatest memories so far.  We were in Puerto Rico celebrating our 10-year anniversary and we took a catamaran ride from the main island to one of the smaller islands.  First off, I got on a boat!  A pretty small boat, if I do say so myself.  See, I don't swim and I am TERRIFIED of deep water.  The boat ride was about 45 minutes until it stopped so everyone could snorkel.  HA!  Snorkel?  Well, I can't do that.  BUT, I did try.  I put on the floaty and the flippers and the mask and attempted to put my face in the water.  Unfortunately the fear swelled up in me and I decided to get back on the boat.  But everyone was surprised that  I had tried, most especially me.

The torture, er, adventure, wasn't over.  Little did I know that for our final destination the boat would leave us pretty far away from the island and we'd have to swim there.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  I figured I'd just stay on the boat and wait until everyone came back...2 hours later!  But then something clicked in me and I decided to just go for it.  My hubby wouldn't let me drown and I would probably never get to have this memory again, so I did it!  I put the floaty thing on and (with a lot of help from my friends) I made it to shore.  Oh, and what an amazing experience it was to be on that tiny island where the fish come kiss your feet at the shore and the rocks form warm delicious pools to bathe in.  Where the colors are so bright you just wish your brain had film so you could record every second of what you are seeing and replay it over and over again.
Right now, though, I am kind of in that same place of debating if I should stay on the boat or go to the island.  I remember when I got into the water I was trembling so hard that I was about to cry.  But somehow I made it.  I wish I could find that strength right now somewhere inside of me.  Work through the doubt and jump into the creative depths of paper.  Sigh...I'm hoping that feeling will come to me.

On a paper-related note, I shipped the 100 camera cards out!  WOOT WOOT!  What a relief to have completed that task.  I did a little decoupaging to the box I got to store the cards in.  I decided I'd do the logo that was printed inside the cards.  I hope she loved it!

Thanks for sitting through my tortured-soul post and I really hope you have a wonderful weekend!